~Angelica Steinker, M.Ed., CAP2, CDBC, NADOI endorsed

My chest felt as if I was having open heart surgery without anesthesia.  My husband of 13 years had just told me he wanted a divorce.  I had stood by him through several illnesses and we had been facing challenges but the terrier in me was determined to ride things out.  Now the man who had always wanted another dog and endlessly supported my dog school wanted out.  It felt as if 200 agility Aframes had been folded and piled up on my entire body. But soon after grieving, the negative reinforcement set in, the relief of being freed of an unhappy marriage was profound.  I began feeling sporting and herding breed energy return to my veins. Pulling myself up by the shoestrings of my cleats, I dusted off my “normal person’s” clothing and began dating.  It did not take long for my first profound insight to form: dog sport training and competing is way more fun than dating.  I got this thought after a phone call from a prospective date who had just told me that he used to be a sharp shooter in the Marines.  I fail to mention that said phone call was at 2 am and that the sharp shooters speech was slurred to the point that only every other word was audible.  Being a force free dog trainer it was one thing that the call came in the middle of the night and that the speech was slurred, but the idea of shooting anything made my hair stand on end.

After yet another prospective date phone conversation, I engaged in some detective work and discovered that none of the facts that this prospective date had told me were accurate however I did discover that he had been arrested several times.  Again I found myself longing for endless aggression consults rather than going on a single date.

However as my dating journey continued, I started to have more fun.  It seemed that certain dating “truths” had become evident to me so I made a list. Then I saw that this list was also useful for minimizing frustration and maximizing fun in dating and dog training.

Take nothing personally. If you are dating and someone doesn’t want to go out with you anymore, there is no need to cry or feel angry or to burn the ex-date in effigy, simply understand the truth: it isn’t personal.  It just wasn’t the right match.  The same truth applies to dog training, if you tried a method to get a behavior and it did not work, it means you need to try something else.  No matter what happens, it isn’t personal, it just is what it is.  Being confident and creative is what works.

·       Assume nothing. If a person you go out with calls you or does not call you, or says something or doesn’t say something: don’t assume anything.  When you assume, you are very likely wrong.  The bottom line is if you don’t have the facts, you don’t have the facts.  Accepting is much better than assuming.  So the date never called you, after you accidentally spit on his food, stuff happens. Don’t assume that he thought you were being dominant and marking his food.  Don’t assume anything, because you just don’t know.  The same thing applies to dog training, it is much better to stick with the behavior you see or don’t see than to assume the dog is being stubborn or whatever.  Go by what you can see, not by what you can dream up in your head.

·        Be careful about what you are attracted to.  We are all creatures of habit and tend to repeat patterns.  If we were raised in a home with an alcoholic parent we may end up in relationships with alcoholics, or be addicted to adopting homeless terriers, or both.   If you find yourself putting down a deposit for your fourth wolf-hybrid that you are, again, determined to train for competition agility you may be addicted to creating challenging situations.  Google repetition compulsion and call your therapist immediately.

·       Personality matters. How many bloodhounds do we see in agility?  If you are a happy go lucky person, do you really want to date someone who is down in the dumps?  If you live to play with your dog, do you really want a sedate couch potato as a canine partner?  When it comes to personality, nothing is bad or wrong, it just has to be the right match. It’s the round peg, square hole thing…

·       Communicate clearly. If your date wants to take you to a restaurant you don’t like, say something.  Inconsistent cues aren’t an effective means of achieving pet dog training, and it is just the same with dating.  Clear cues: do not expect a second date after you tell me my Chihuahua would make great gator bait.

·       Don’t use other beings to enhance your ego. Dating, just like dog training, can’t be about ego enhancement.  If you think that dating will enhance your ego, you will quickly find your ego to be in the negative numbers. An ego score of -10 constitutes low self esteem and a -12 requires a psychiatric appointment.  Dating is about rejection.  Most people will reject you or you will reject them.  This continues until you find someone that you like, who will reject you.  Or someone likes you, and you reject that person.  It is an experiment and the results almost always involve rejection.  In dog training, using our dogs to enhance our ego usually results in the dog pooping in on the Persian in front of visiting relatives. When it comes to ego, frequently refer back to truth # 1: Take nothing personally.

·       Set your criteria. Before training or dating, set your criteria.  Be sure what you are looking for.  How much education should your ideal partner have? A lot of education can make for stimulating conversation, but can also lead to more challenging behavior modification protocols.  What type of breed?  Be sure to avoid breedism.  How much or how little hair?  Each has it advantages and must be carefully considered.  Most importantly, what behaviors are you looking for?  Searching for your life partner is just like finding a dog for your favorite dog activity.  Researching past and present behavior to predict future behavior is critical, but no matter what, make sure you stick to your criteria.  Frequently review and adjust your criteria as you learn from your experiments.  For example, after one date, I found that I needed to add “eats with mouth closed’ to my list of criteria.  In dog training, as in dating, we can’t expect the results we desire, if we don’t stick to our criteria.

·        Remember it’s not important. This is a biggie.  No matter if you are trying to teach Fido to stop eating his poop or you are dating, the truth is: it can’t be and just isn’t important.  If Fido occasionally scoops his poop-you are not going to die.  If you don’t find your life partner -the earth will not open and swallow you whole.

·       Projection can be a pain. Both dating and dog training can cause us to project our own thoughts onto another being.  Example:  as a kid you grew up with a control freak parent, so now you project these qualities on your Border Collie, the result is that you blame the Border Collie for all your high credit card bills.  Seriously, projection is real and it happens to all of us.  The key is knowing when we are doing it, and taking responsibility for it when we are.  Projection gets in the way both in dating and in dog training.  Refer back to # 2 above, projection by definition requires assumption.

·       Have fun. Just like training and competing with our dogs, dating can be stressful, so have fun instead.  Be sure to have a plan on how to have fun even if you are out with someone you have nothing in common with.  20 seconds into the date you discover your date is allergic to dogs, thus immediately eliminating the person from any serious consideration of future dating, but you are prepared you have read the newspaper and actually seen a non-dog related movie and pleasantly discuss both over dinner.  Later you can go home and change your phone number.  No matter what happens on a date, while dating, or during dog training, be determined to have fun!!  Allow nothing to interfere with your fun, no matter what!

  Dating and dog training are both microcosms of life, your life, make them joyful ones.  Whether you are training your dog or dating, focus on the fun, because in the end it isn’t the result-- but the journey that really matters.